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I'm disappointed in myself but I don't actually care

March 26th, 2015 at 07:53 am

This will probably sound a little (a lot) like a whine. I apologize in advance.

When I checked in on our monthly spending last week, I saw a few categories were already pretty high, so I made it a goal to not spend any more in those areas. One of them was leisure. Then, on Monday, I just went and ordered DS2 an exersaucer for $60! Since then I have also purchased two Kindle books, rented one movie, and purchased five TV episodes to watch. And it wasn't that I forgot my goal. Each time I thought about it and then went ahead and made the purchase anyway.

Here's the thing. I'm really, really tired. We are in the fifth month of not getting adequate sleep, and I am tired. I don't want to watch my spending. I don't want to pack my lunch. I barely get any time for myself right now, and if I want to watch the newest Hunger Games movie then I want to watch it. If I want to have new TV shows to watch while pumping, then I want to watch them. If a new toy has the potential to keep my son entertained for a few minutes so that I can make dinner, then I want to buy it. It's selfish and entitled, but there it is. I am too tired to care if I don't meet my goals.

It's the same thing with food right now. I should really be giving up treats so that I can lose the rest of this (not a small amount of) baby weight. I should be able to resist temptation. But I'm really tired and I know that the sugar will keep me going for a little but longer, so I buy it and eat it anyway. Again, I am too tired to care if I don't meet my goals.

It makes me think of the advice a good friend gave me after DS1 was born. She basically said: Don't beat yourself up about not losing the baby weight. Cut yourself some slack until you are sleeping a reasonable amount on a regular basis.

So that's it. I'm going to cut myself some slack. I am going to keep tracking and posting my spending. It may not be pretty, but I'm not going to feel bad about it right now. (I *will* make sure we're not spending so much that we can't pay off our credit card each month, but I'm not going to actively try to cut back further.)

Also, I'm going to go ahead and hire someone to clean our house twice a month, even if it means that we are saving a little bit less. And I'm not going to feel bad about it. I'm just going to feel grateful that we have the means to do it.

8 Responses to “I'm disappointed in myself but I don't actually care”

  1. scottish girl Says:

    I know that feeling, I was glad when J started to sleep through although now he's teething. Hope you get some sleep soon.

  2. CB in the City Says:

    I think for the time being your real goals are different than what you have set for yourself. Your goals now are more along the lines of making it through the day, finding ways to get rested, keeping the house liveable -- you get the drift. Yes, cut yourself some slack. The time for your harder goals will come when your baby is older and you are getting adequate sleep.

  3. ThriftoRama Says:

    Um yeah. I have two boys, now 5 and 6, and have been exactly where you are now. Your friend is right. There will be a time when you have more willpower. There will be a time to lose the weight. I'm just getting there now. With two little ones, it's very hard if not impossible to have or do anything for yourself.

    Our spending was more lax then as well, because when you're tired, you're tired. People only have so much energy and willpower in one day, and so much of your life is no and can't. As they get older and can do more for themselves, yes there are challenges, but your world will get bigger and you will at least be able to get most of a night's sleep. When that happens, that is the time to forgo the movie rental and worry about the baby weight. Not now.

    Don't beat yourself up. What you're doing is very hard.

  4. creditcardfree Says:

    To everything there is a season...which is what I thought of reading ThriftoRama's post. Take care of you! And continue to be self aware so it doesn't spiral out of control. Sounds like for now it is under control...so enjoy your baby and all the good things you are doing for them.

  5. MonkeyMama Says:

    CB says it very well. I certainly wouldn't care. We were always careful with our money so that times like that we could not give a flip, and that is exactly what we did. We didn't give a flip. IT's a time of just surviving.

  6. debt-free by thir-ty Says:

    I think you have the right idea in just being thankful that you have the ability to do it without additional worry. Here's hoping you get some rest soon!

  7. TarWalker Says:

    A month ago, I had to buy a baby lounger/rocker/sleeper thing for our littlest and his reflux. Wasn't planned, and I really didn't want another item, but when he would not sleep for more than 30 minutes on his back... Best $70 ever.

    Don't beat yourself up too much. I think this in-between stage is the hardest, even more than the newborn up every two-three hours stage. They are getting a taste of knowing that they are able to function on their own and want more, but can't do anything. I keep telling myself it gets better here shortly. It has to! :-)

  8. DecisiveParadox Says:

    whoa! I feel empowered and invigorated reading this!
    I too am guilty of letting my son watch episodes on you tube so I can steal 5 minutes of focus to make lunch or change his sisters diaper.
    The one thing I didn't realise becoming a parent was for 3 years I forgot about sleep.
    My son would sleep an hour a day. total. its all the little gremlin needed.
    Even though I worked 12 hour shifts I tried to sleep but they jump on you, kick you in the face, throw water bottles, hide pacifiers. sleep is the most underappreciated luxury.
    When the kids stay with family for a weekend end people think parents go out for meals and dates and have extra sexy time, no, we sleep. deep beautiful sleep.

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